Day 5: Reconciling with God

O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?

-Romans 7:24

A relationship with god is difficult. It requires a lot of faith and strong will to continue believing in his power when everything around you says it’s all a waste of time. You read about the miracles in the Bible and say “okay, so what about me?”. Empty phrases that sound spiritual no longer comfort you, and in fact, you’re offended by them. Have you ever just thought “I need a break from God”? And like your earthly relationships, just packed it in for a little bit, “cancelled” him, to get your head clear?

To be truthful with you, I’ve done the same. After a difficult period in my life, I threw in the towel, dabbled in Buddhism for a year or so, and lived a detached life from Christianity. I was tired of the expectations, and I was exhausted to spend so much of my emotional time trusting and believing in something I couldn’t see, only for disastrous results: several terrible things happened in my family around this time and they only appeared to get worse; my mental health suffered, and I turned to self-harm. It was a difficult time, and I couldn’t see God at all. It felt like I was better off by myself.

Sometimes, separation is helpful. Everyone needs space, but, years after my own crisis, I wonder if periods away from God is as beneficial as we like to think they are. I recently saw a tweet the other day that really rocked me, and I can’t stop thinking about it:

Self-care is important, but in retrospect, my previous crisis with God was not about me caring for myself, but just turning away from an issue that needed addressing. I was upset with God. I chose not to read my Bible or pray. I just walked away. I risked not ever returning to him because of it. I can’t dictate your decisions, and I don’t know how much you’ve tried to pray your way through an issue to seemingly no results, but turning away from God isn’t necessarily the answer. Sometimes people have to wait months or years before seeing the resolution of their crisis. They emerge from it battered and bruised, but their survival is evidence that they have emerged better and stronger, even if they cannot feel it at the time.

We cannot live a life without suffering, and we cannot leave God every time the going gets tough. Every struggle is a time to learn something about yourself, and about God. Put your faith to the test.